These last few weeks, I feel like the only place I've been giving is at my new job (relevant magazine-- dot com. go there and read all that is good and funny and entertaining). I have not given of myself to my community, my family, my friends, strangers... it's crazy. I feel like I'm starting college all over again. College- you know, the most selfish time of your life. You're supposed to focus on YOU and what YOU are supposed to be doing with YOUR life. These past few weeks have felt like that and I've become really, really tired. tired of thinking of myself, how I feel, what I am doing, if MY boss likes me, how I am going to make friends, how I can be more at peace in adjusting to Orlando... I've made these last few weeks about me. And to an extent, it was needed. My mom keeps reminding me- set a work routine first. You moved to Orlando for a job and it's important. Committing to a church, a group or volunteer opportunity will come later. And to a degree, I understand what she means. She's right. I make myself busy so I dont have time to be available.
These past few days in trying to adjust to a work schedule, I've become so anxious and lonely and I've felt aimless- what the hell am I doing in Orlando? Working for Relevant! OK great! What do I do on weekends? just stay busy? be social? ok great. check. SB can be busy, we know that. Where do I go to church and who do I make community? hmmm let me choose from the many churches here in Orlando.
The thing that I realized I had yet to answer is how will I invest my air, my very being into eternity?
"Serve God, SB" - OK sure, I know. But how?
"Service Project and be in a group" - OK great but is it going to stick?
I want to have a vision for how the Lord is using my life beyond ME- my family, my life, my job, my friends, my needs, my desires, my hopes and dreams...
My only answer to what has been missing in my life the last few days or weeks is MISSION.
I have lost sight of the fact that my life, and true self, is found in Christ and Christ is on MISSION to see the glory of our Father, God, revealed through his work and his good news expressed on earth! My LIFE is not a story about me.
When I loose sight of that, my attitude sucks, my work performance goes down, my zeal sputters to its death... I loose sight of the VISION and I FORGET THE MISSION. I become focused on my personal endeavors, my own mission. And believe me, I don't want to stick around on earth to see that realized...
Being on Mission doesn't mean I have to save the world and work in the trenches of Orlando every day. This means I live my life with the knowledge of Christ's love for me, his calling to love others and his predestined glory to be revealed through my life. If I can get on mission with that, my life-- regardless of circumstance-- can be a vessel for his glory to be revealed. I get to partake in it, to share in it. First I have to receive LIFE as a gift and surrender it as it was never mine.
The thing that made me realize I wasn't on mission was going to a group tonight. At this group we discussed the necessity for community for Christ-followers.
I realized I wasn't answering his call to love others in community and serve His bride, the church. I wasn't choosing to take up my role in a local church by giving of myself. If Jesus' purpose is to glorify the son of God and the church is His bride, then She is NOT without the son. She only exists in Mission with Jesus. And being outside of a community of a believers where I am not on mission means I am not acting out of my true self, which is found in Christ.
I realize it takes time to establish community and realize the body to which Christ has called you...
But at my Summit group tonight, it was life-giving to dream with other believers about the glory that would be God's in the city of Orlando if we can be a group that exists solely for the glory of God to see His grace received, His mercy reflected and his word spoken in the city! That is MISSION. I want to be on the boat when the crew sets sail with that MISSION in mind.
We talked about serving (not projects, but ongoing relationship building, community transforming, life on life service) and true gospel centered, God centered community that could transform Orlando...
(It made me miss my community of English Teachers/Spanish speakers in League City)
I found myself excited to give my life. I know breathing is easier when my inhales and exhales are not solely for me. I exist as my true self in community, on mission.
The Lord is good. He IS loving. all powerful. all knowing. and perfect. He is all encompassing and all-satisfying. His mission is to see his glory realized because it is when His glory is realized that all that is lost is redeemed and restored. Since my life is hidden in Christ... it is Christ that lives in me and I no longer... MISSION is only found IN Christ; the mission to see all people and all things redeemed for HIS glory alone.
I am deeply grateful that when I was six years old I was made his child, made in Christ, and made for mission. Tonight I was reminded that it's still my only source of reason or purpose for living.
Here's to connect groups for reminding me of that. Thank you, Jesus, for your church.
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