It is more blessed to receive

OK so scripture says it's more blessed to give. But go with me here... Jesus probably would...

These last few weeks, I feel like the only place I've been giving is at my new job (relevant magazine-- dot com. go there and read all that is good and funny and entertaining). I have not given of myself to my community, my family, my friends, strangers... it's crazy. I feel like I'm starting college all over again. College- you know, the most selfish time of your life. You're supposed to focus on YOU and what YOU are supposed to be doing with YOUR life. These past few weeks have felt like that and I've become really, really tired. tired of thinking of myself, how I feel, what I am doing, if MY boss likes me, how I am going to make friends, how I can be more at peace in adjusting to Orlando... I've made these last few weeks about me. And to an extent, it was needed. My mom keeps reminding me- set a work routine first. You moved to Orlando for a job and it's important. Committing to a church, a group or volunteer opportunity will come later. And to a degree, I understand what she means. She's right. I make myself busy so I dont have time to be available.

These past few days in trying to adjust to a work schedule, I've become so anxious and lonely and I've felt aimless- what the hell am I doing in Orlando? Working for Relevant! OK great! What do I do on weekends? just stay busy? be social? ok great. check. SB can be busy, we know that. Where do I go to church and who do I make community? hmmm let me choose from the many churches here in Orlando.

The thing that I realized I had yet to answer is how will I invest my air, my very being into eternity?

"Serve God, SB" - OK sure, I know. But how?

"Service Project and be in a group" - OK great but is it going to stick?

I want to have a vision for how the Lord is using my life beyond ME- my family, my life, my job, my friends, my needs, my desires, my hopes and dreams...

My only answer to what has been missing in my life the last few days or weeks is MISSION.

I have lost sight of the fact that my life, and true self, is found in Christ and Christ is on MISSION to see the glory of our Father, God, revealed through his work and his good news expressed on earth! My LIFE is not a story about me.

When I loose sight of that, my attitude sucks, my work performance goes down, my zeal sputters to its death... I loose sight of the VISION and I FORGET THE MISSION. I become focused on my personal endeavors, my own mission. And believe me, I don't want to stick around on earth to see that realized...

Being on Mission doesn't mean I have to save the world and work in the trenches of Orlando every day. This means I live my life with the knowledge of Christ's love for me, his calling to love others and his predestined glory to be revealed through my life. If I can get on mission with that, my life-- regardless of circumstance-- can be a vessel for his glory to be revealed. I get to partake in it, to share in it. First I have to receive LIFE as a gift and surrender it as it was never mine.

The thing that made me realize I wasn't on mission was going to a group tonight. At this group we discussed the necessity for community for Christ-followers.

I realized I wasn't answering his call to love others in community and serve His bride, the church. I wasn't choosing to take up my role in a local church by giving of myself. If Jesus' purpose is to glorify the son of God and the church is His bride, then She is NOT without the son. She only exists in Mission with Jesus. And being outside of a community of a believers where I am not on mission means I am not acting out of my true self, which is found in Christ.

I realize it takes time to establish community and realize the body to which Christ has called you...

But at my Summit group tonight, it was life-giving to dream with other believers about the glory that would be God's in the city of Orlando if we can be a group that exists solely for the glory of God to see His grace received, His mercy reflected and his word spoken in the city! That is MISSION. I want to be on the boat when the crew sets sail with that MISSION in mind.

We talked about serving (not projects, but ongoing relationship building, community transforming, life on life service) and true gospel centered, God centered community that could transform Orlando...

(It made me miss my community of English Teachers/Spanish speakers in League City)

I found myself excited to give my life. I know breathing is easier when my inhales and exhales are not solely for me. I exist as my true self in community, on mission.

The Lord is good. He IS loving. all powerful. all knowing. and perfect. He is all encompassing and all-satisfying. His mission is to see his glory realized because it is when His glory is realized that all that is lost is redeemed and restored. Since my life is hidden in Christ... it is Christ that lives in me and I no longer... MISSION is only found IN Christ; the mission to see all people and all things redeemed for HIS glory alone.

I am deeply grateful that when I was six years old I was made his child, made in Christ, and made for mission. Tonight I was reminded that it's still my only source of reason or purpose for living.

Here's to connect groups for reminding me of that. Thank you, Jesus, for your church.

My Dad's story became mine

Tonight, I listened to my dad share his testimony at church and I will never forget it.

"What happened for me is that when I came to faith in Jesus, the gospel was clear. It was clear to me, that the only way I would know God is through Jesus. And that His cross and His resurrection came to me by faith alone, that I could not earn it. That was so abundantly clear- you're going to hear, for the rest of my life, the clarity of the gospel on my life, has revisited again and again and again. As a pastor who has pastored as long as I have, studied the bible as long as I have, there is no more profound truth than the gospel of Jesus Christ. Every time my life is broken, every time I'm screwed up in my thinking, it is the gospel that brings me clarity.

My dad grew up in west Texas with a family who never went to church or talked about God. In the second grade, my Dad remembers asking his friends who went to church "What's it like?! What did you learn? I wish WE [my family] went to church!" He was drawn to the Lord and he thanks God for that grace. At 10 years old, he met Jesus at a rally. Even as a kid, he took his faith very seriously.

In listening to him, God revealed his grace to me. I was able to identify with my Dad in realizing the many similarities in our stories. I also realized that God's grace, which has changed my Dad's life, is for the Christ-followers as much as it is for those who aren't. My dad, even after becoming a believer at 10 years old, never grew tired of hearing/preaching the gospel. In view of his own brokenness, my dad has continued to let the gospel take root in his heart so that everyday he is becoming who he was created to be.

As I listened to my father tell of God's grace over his life, I was reminded of the grace God has shown me.

This past year, God has saved me from myself. Even in my brokenness, brokenness that stemmed from a self focus, I thank God that I have lived in my parents' home this year. I have heard the gospel in my home through my Father and my Mother and I am different because of it. Now they told me the story of Jesus' death, resurrection, and power to save when I was six years old... and the gospel of Jesus Christ is still the best thing I EVER heard!

Listen to my Dad's story here: http://66.241.210.241/uploads/podcast/20090401_TG_TheJourney_4-4.mp3

how we run

^{I COR 9:24
"24}Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.²⁵Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ²⁶Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. ²⁷No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."


I wouldn't consider myself a serious runner but I do enjoy making a routine out of x miles a week. Last night, I took a run and began to consider a few conversations I've had with others about what life we should live once, as people who have met Jesus and love him. I came to these parallels.

The Ground:
A run on trails is often more difficult than running on flat pavement. The scenery of a trail is more beautiful to the eye (usually) and while it's hills offer a challenge that promises some aches and pain, the view makes the pain worthwhile. The all natural seems to soothe and remind you of God's beauty and wonder, bringing life into perspective. A run on pavement roads, while flat and predictable, is simply boring. Since I've been away from Austin, I've struggled to run. I miss the terrain, the sights, smells, sunsets... the thrill, "Will I make it to the top of that hill without dying?" or "I can see everything from up here!"

A life lived in perspective of that which is real-- the harsh elements, unpredictable and often painstakingly experienced-- is a reminder that you're alive! When pain is unavoidable, why not make the experience worth it? Run in view of the elements, the bare essentials. Run in view of the life given to you and the life breathed around you. Run in real life.

Sure, a run on flat pavement offers challenge when I run much faster. Regardless of whether or not I can run faster on flat pavement, I have little time to enjoy those/that whom/which I pass. I'm focused on my speed, rather than sharing in the experience of life with those things/people that are around me.

A while back, a friend once told me that angry people are people who resolve to live safely. I can't be one of those people. I've experienced highs and lows, and the lows have added all the more value to the journey.

So I like running hilly trails.

The Community:
Running with people verses running by yourself can be left to one's preference (my preference often changes).

Running with people seems to take your mind off of the pain you are personally feeling. There is something else at stake besides your ability to push yourself. You are running with another to push them too. Competition and encouragement, all in one fail swoop are offered to he/she who will welcome either or both. However, it's looking to your right or left that slows you down. And pisses off your track coach.

Sara Stavinoha and I really became friends through running. When we first ran together, I knew she was fast. But the closer friends we became, I think she became less hesitant to kick my ass. And she always did. The girl can run.

At first, I'd always be frustrated at myself! I'd compare myself as we were running and think if only I can emulate her posture, her gate, then I'd be able to run as fast as she could. It never worked. It wasn't until I began to understand that my body was built differently that I began to learn how I need to run differently not only to compensate for how I am built, but in order to run best. Still, Sara's relaxed posture, natural athleticism and speedy legs could push me, challenge me. Her voice could encourage me. Talking to her kept my mind of the pain and listening to her reminded me of the soul running with me. Runs with Sara-- as painful and challenging as they often were-- were usually my best runs, runs I still remember, runs I miss most.

I do not want to fail to mention that there are times when a runner must focus on his own mess of a posture and gate. He or she may run alone and find the solitude refreshing. I've run with people before and thought, I don't want to focus on encouraging them or conversing with this person to help them run. I need time to myself, to focus, and find peace in the rhythm of my own steps or the Coupland tunes coming through my earphones, "Feel the pain, teaching us how much more we can take. Reminding us how far we have come. Let the pain put away from our hearts. We have time to start, all over again." I've cried and smiled while running to that little song all through college.

Still, even the most introverted a runner needs a companion; whether it be a doctor, a trainer, a coach, a shoe store clerk, or the man who maintains the water jugs on the path. NO [runner] is an island (thank you, Thomas Merton).

I look forward to running with people the rest of my life on earth.

The Perseverance:
You'd think that perseverance would be the easiest illustration from which to draw similarities. My difficulty in writing this part may be an embarrassing sign that I have much more to learn. I don't know why I wrote embarrassing. (Sarah, you are human. surprise?!)

When I run, I often begin with the mindset, "if I can just make it to that second or third mile point, I can turn around and come back. I will be halfway through and the rest of the run will be downhill(not literally, as I have qualified), making for a more enjoyable second leg." But I forget two things:

The point of running.

and

I have to turn around and run the same distance back home. Walking is not allowed.

I hope I am making sense. My perseverance may be born out of a joy for discipline and glorifying my Creator and Father with my limbs. Or my perseverance may be born of the innate obligation to mark up a few miles on my running chart for the week in hopes it will make me feel less guilty for the extra M&Ms I ate at the wedding (I get to go to a lot of those). Oh I don't really have a running chart.

You get the point, though?

The development of perseverance is the culmination of God's glory in my life as I am becoming more and more like him, rather than it becoming something to hold up to others for show.

The Goal:
In other words, the prize. What is the prize that Paul wrote about? What is it to you?

A lot of people think it's the afterlife.
A lot of people think it's the journey itself.

I used to train to race. I never actually did. I always ended up with a stress fracture of some sort at about mile 9 in training.

When I trained, I'd mostly run to the rhythm of dreams that marvelous things awaited me at the end of my long race on "my" day-- as if 10k other people aren't running the same race. I'd dream the ridiculous:

People's approval for being, oh so "hardcore,"
A six pack and size 0 waist line,
A photo of me on the front page of the Chronicle "UT student, Sarah Beth Wesley... finished,"

What do I dream today?

Success in implementing all my entrepreneurial ideas (i want it all!)
Popularity (life is high school sometimes, thank you Super Chick)
Recognition for my smarts, initiative and beauty (so roll your eyes... it's ok)
Oh and a husband (what girl doesn't dream of running into a man's arms at some point. if you deny it, you're a lier.)

In my mind those thing make me a winner. Those things glamorize the race into something it was not. And they take away my enjoyment of training and developing my character.

As Paul says, men go into strict training and win a crown that they cannot keep. I do that. Dang it. I have been seemingly good, but clearly bad (not badass). And in light of my poor training, I've disqualified myself.

But, God... re-wrote the rules for the race.

No longer do I have to train to win. Training alone can win me nothing. but I train to race. I realize that everybody races. And I want to race well for the prize. But for what prize? Whose glory?

Christ revealed the prize. He is showing me what it looks like everyday. It is the past, present and future Glory of God revealed in his son Jesus.

Christ is NOT a coach who pats me on the back or trainer who won't let up on me. Rather, he chose to enter the race he created, ran ahead, won, and gave me the trophy, already engraved with my name.



(ok here is a disclaimer: Don't look into the metaphore... I didn't think everything through as one might prefer.)

let's define the relationship

Tonight, a friend told me that I should write things out. Another chimed in that writing is a healthy exercise in which everyone should partake. I dislike writing. I started thinking about my bog...

So, I've tried to keep a blog going throughout college years (RIP) and was never successful. I always had trouble writing. I didn't know how to pen my thoughts on what I was experiencing at given points in time. Honestly, I want people to like reading what I write. But the truth is, I'm a horrible writer. And I don't particularly enjoy it. It definitely doesn't flow. And I get bad headaches. I actually thought about asking my sister to write my blog simply because it'd be nice to sound like she rights. Beautiful.

Right now, I am getting a headache. maybe this will be a picture blog?

Honestly, most days, I do have spurts of desire to write down what I am learning or experiencing and share with my friends, especially those whom are scattered across states and oceans. This doesn't replace the pair of eyes that could sit in front of me, but reality is I am in a city that is never "on the way" to anywhere. Few pass through. I have friends that I miss dearly and I do a poor job keeping in touch at the level where LIFE really happens. Thus, a blog could help, right? Everybody else is doing it.

If you look at my blog, you will see few posts stretched out over months. I want to write on this blog more frequently than that.

I don't feel the need to post a disclaimer or "about my blog" information. The number of people who may ever read this blog may quite possibly be fewer than the number of children I will adopt one day (God willing- 2). So if you are reading, enjoy listening to me write to myself. And God. (Isn't that what Christians are "supposed" to say?) No, but really, look forward to pictures. I think I may get an iphone just for that.

But I think I'm going to post this to my facebook profile. maybe. ok, I will do it now.